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Christmas Edition

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What is the *_hottest_* new toy for Christmas this year?

(_)  | Anatomically Correct "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" G.I. Joe

(_)  | Rock 'Em, Sock 'Em Talk Show Guests (Bald Chicago Cop Sold Separately)

(_)  | Governor Action Figure Series (Jesse "The Body" Ventura of Minnesota -
$29.95; George Pataki of New York - _Name Your Price_)

(_)  | "Tickle Me" George Michael

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Merry Christmas From
me At the Timbo Horse
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BECAUSE A MAN COULDN'T MEET THE DEMANDS OF THE JOB...

I think Santa Claus is a woman....

I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's a she. Think
about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal,
and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off!

For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting gifts
until Christmas Eve. It's as if they are all frozen in some kind of
Ebenezerian Time Warp until 3 p.m. on Dec. 24th, when they - with amazing calm
- call other errant men and plan for a last-minute shopping spree.

Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products,
socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. (You might think this
would send them into a fit of panic and guilt, but my husband tells me it's an
enormous relief because it lessens the 11th hour decision-making burden.) On
this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman. Surely, if he were a man,
everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating
musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag.

Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there
would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted and strapped on to
the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck
season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to the
taxidermist.

Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he'd still have transportation
problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds
and then refuse to stop and ask for directions. Add to this the fact that
there would be unavoidable delays in the chimney, where the Bob Vila-like
Santa would stop to inspect and repoint bricks in the
flue. He would also need to check for carbon monoxide fumes in every gas
fireplace, and get under every Christmas tree that is crooked to straighten it
to a perfectly upright 90-degree angle.

Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man:
- Men can't pack a bag.
- Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.
- Men would feel their masculinity is threatened...having to be seen with all
those elves.
- Men don't answer their mail.
- Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described even in jest as
anything remotely resembling a "bowlful of jelly."
- Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them.
- Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would seriously inhibit their ability to
pick up women.
- Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.

I can buy the fact that other mythical holiday characters are men.........
- Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous. Definite guy.
- Cupid flies around carrying weapons.
- Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers.

Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone screening test. But
not St. Nick.  Not a chance.  As long as we have each other, good will, peace
on earth, faith and Nat King Cole's version of "The Christmas Song," it
probably makes little difference what gender Santa is.

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Merry Christmas From
me At the Timbo Horse
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What is this year's hottest-selling Christmas ornament?

  (_)  Jerry Springer (tm) frosted "I slept with your sister" photo frame with
action shot inside!

  (_)  Linda Tripp (tm) Two-Way/14 Channel gingerbread house!

  (_)  Bill Clinton (tm) christmas lights -- blink whenever Saddam Hussein
speaks!

  (_)  Jack Kevorkian (tm) jagged-edge glass shards!

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Merry Christmas From
me At the Timbo Horse
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The Santa Claus sat down at the department store lunch counter and
ordered a cup of coffee. Sitting next to him was a seven year old boy.
"Do you believe in Santa Claus?" ask the weary Saint Nick.
"No. Santa's for babies!"
"Good for you," replied Santa as he removed his beard and proceded to sip his
coffee.

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Merry Christmas From
me At the Timbo Horse
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(NOTE: True Story... It happened at the Goshen Indiana YWCA in 1985)
     One of my Santa gigs was at a local YWCA. They were holding a
Parent's Night Out, and the kiddies were going to have a sleepover at
the Y while the parents did their Christmas shopping. When it came time
for "Santa" to talk to the youngsters, I was up to form. Most wanted toys
or clothes. Finally, one little ten-year-old girl hopped up on "Santa's" lap.
When it came time to ask the little lass what she wanted old Santa to bring
to her for Christmas, she said, "I want a real baby." Being caught off guard
by THAT request, I was thankful that one of my helpers reminded me that REAL
BABY was the name of a doll. I had forgotten about it. (One of the UGLIEST
dolls I'd ever seen... even uglier than Cabbage Patch Kids) Good thing my
elf reminded me it was the name of a toy:  I was about to make arrangements
for the young girl to see me on her  eighteenth birthday, and I'd help her
manage it!

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Merry Christmas From
me At the Timbo Horse
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The Bill Gates Song
(to the tune of "The Christmas Song")

Netscape roasting on an open fire,
Apple begging on its knees,
Photo popping up on Time magazine,
Yes, Bill Gates dreams of days like these!
Everybody knows he's never fully satisfied,
Throws himself behind each task,
World dominion is his company's goal.
Well, hey, is that so much to ask?
He knows the world is in his sway,
We'll buy whatever software he might toss our way,
We'll surf his Internet, watch his TV,
He'll take us anywhere we ask him--for a fee.
And so we're offering this simple prayer,
To Bill and all his MS grunts:
Since we all follow any standard you write,
Make it good, please,
Make it good, please,
Make it good, please, just once!

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Merry Christmas From
me At the Timbo Horse
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Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve.  They all find
themselves at the pearly gates waiting to enter heaven.
On entering they are told that they must present something
"Christmassy." in order to get in.

The first man searches his pocket, and finds some pine
needles from the family's Christmas tree.
He is let it.

The second man presents a bow and some ribbon, from presents
that were opened earlier in that night.
So he is also allowed in.

The third man pulls out a pair of panties.

Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks,
"How do these represent Christmas?"

To which he replies, "Oh, They're Carol's."

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Merry Christmas From
me At the Timbo Horse
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The three wise men arrived to visit the child lying in the
manger.  One of the wise men was exceptionally tall, and bumped
his head on the low doorway as he entered the stable.
"Jesus Christ!" he shouted.
Joseph said, "Write that down, Mary; it's better than Clyde!"

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Merry Christmas From
me At the Timbo Horse
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NORTH POLE (API) - MICROSOFT announced an agreement with Santa
Claus Industries to acquire Christmas at a press conference held via
satellite from Santa's summer estate somewhere in the southern hemisphere.
 In the deal, Microsoft would gain exclusive rights to Christmas,
Reindeer, and other unspecified inventions. In addition, Microsoft will
gain access to millions of households through the Santa Sleigh.

The announcement also included a notice that beginning Dec 9,
1998, Christmas and the Reindeer names would be copyrighted by
Microsoft.  This unprecedented move was facilitated by the recently
acquired MS Court. Microsoft stated its commitment to "all who have made
Christmas great," and vowed to "make licensing of the Christmas and
Reindeer names available to all."  It is believed that the guidelines for
licensing thesenames, due before Halloween, will be very strict.

When asked "Why buy Christmas?" Bill Gates replied "Microsoft
has been working on a more efficient delivery mechanism for all of our
products for some time, but recognized that the Santa Sleigh has some
immediate benefits. We'll use it first for the next release of Windows and
Office 99."

In a multimedia extravaganza, the attendees were shown a seemingly endless
video stream of products that make up the deal.  It ended with a green and
red version of the Microsoft logo, and a new Christmas 98 trademark,
leading into the announcement of the first product from the deal.

Vixen, the new Director of Holidays and Celebrations said, "Theis to
assimilate Christmas within the Microsoft Organization. This will
take some time, so don't expect any changes this year."  She
continued, "our big plans are for next year, when we release Christmas 98.
It will be bigger and better than last year."  She further elaborated that
"Windows 95 users who sign up with MS Network  will get sneak previews of
Christmas[98] as early as November first."

Christmas 98 is scheduled for release in December of 1998,
though one unnamed source said that it is dangerously close to the end of
the year and may slip into the first half of 1999.  An economist at
Goldman Sachs explained that a slip would be catastrophic to next year's
economy and the nation's tax revenue, possibly requiring the IRS to move
the deadline for filing income tax returns to three months after
Christmas, whenever that was.  "But it could be good in the long term," he
explained. "With Microsoft controlling Christmas, we may see it move to
May or June, which are much slower months for retailers. This may serve to
even out the economy over the year."

When asked if other holidays are being considered, Mr. Gates
explained that "Christmas is the flagship of holidays, so we wanted to
start there.  Not all holidays are available for sale, and the remaining
will have to show a good long-term business," suggesting that holidays
with a short history may not be in the plans.

Though specific terms of the agreement were withheld, a Santa
official confirmed that the deal was "sizeable, even for a man of Santa's
stature." Some analysts think that Santa has saturated the Holiday market,
and is looking for a means to expand his business to year 'round
products and services.  Others contend that the Jolly Red Man is looking
to retire in Redmond.

A spokesperson for the most famous Reindeer could not be reached
for comment.

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Merry Christmas From
me At the Timbo Horse
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A Martha Stewart Holiday Calendar

December 1
    Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey.  Spray paint gold,
turn upside down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas Cards.

December 2
    Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas
message for answering machine.

December 3
    Using candlewick and handgilded miniature pine cones,
fashion cat-o-nine-tails.  Flog Gardener.

December 4
    Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim.

December 5
    Get new eyeglasses.  Grind lenses myself.

December 6
    Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for consideration.

December 7
    Debug Windows '95

December 10
    Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth.

December 11
    Lay Faberge egg.

December 12
    Take Dog apart.  Disinfect.  Reassemble.

December 13
    Collect Dentures.  They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly
for decorative pie crusts.

December 14
    Install plumbing in gingerbread house.

December 15
    Replace air in mini-van tires with Glade "holiday scents" in case
tires are shot out at mall.

December 17
    Child proof the Christmas tree with garland of razor wire.

December 19
    Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will
be same height when sitting at his or her assigned seat.

December 20
    Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in confectioner's sugar to
add a festive sparkle to the pasture.

December 21
    Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange
slices and cinnamon sticks.

December 22
    Float votive candles in toilet tank.

December 23
    Seed clouds for white Christmas.

December 24
    Do my annual good deed.  Go to several stores.  Be seen
engaged in last minute Christmas shopping, thus making many people
feel less inadequate than they really are.

December 25
    Bear son.  Swaddle.  Lay in color coordinated manger scented with home
made potpourri.

December 26
    Organize spice racks by genus and phylum.

December 27
    Build snowman in exact likeness of God.

December 31
    New Year's Eve!  Give staff their resolutions.  Call a
friend in each time zone of the world as the clock strikes midnight
in that country.

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 Merry Christmas From
me At the Timbo Horse
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While making his rounds one Christmas morning, Santa dropped
down throught yet another chimney.  During the process of
distributing packages, noticed the most beautiful young lady he'd ever
seen approaching him from the hallway.

She stopped about 10 feet or so away and said in a very sexy
voice........"tee hee hee, Santa won't you stay and play with
me?" Santa being very surprized, replied "Ho Ho Ho, Santa's gotta
go....got a lot of toys to deliver you know."

She then dropped one strap of her nightgown revealing one of her
breasts and said again in an even sexier voice........"tee hee hee,
Santa won't you stay and play with me?"  Santa being even more surprized,
replied "Ho Ho Ho, Santa's gotta go....got a lot of toys to deliver you
know."

With that, she dropped the entire nightgown to the floor and
said in her most sexy voice possible........"tee hee hee, Santa won't you
please stay and play with me?"  Santa then stood up straight and
answered "Hey Hey Hey, Santa's gotta stay....can't get up the chimney this
a way."

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Merry Christmas From
me At the Timbo Horse
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"10 Reasons Why a Christmas Tree Is Better Than a Woman"

10. A Christmas tree doesn't care how many other Christmas trees you have
had in the past.
09. Christmas trees don't get mad if you use exotic electrical devices.
08. A Christmas tree doesn't care if you have an artificial one in the
closet.
07. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you break one of its balls.
06. You can feel a Christmas tree before you take it home.
05. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you look up underneath it.
04. When you are done with a Christmas tree you can throw it on the curb
and have it hauled away.
03. A Christmas tree doesn't get jealous around other Christmas trees.
02. A Christmas tree doesn't care if you watch football all day.
01. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you tie it up and throw it in the
back of your pickup truck.

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 Merry Christmas From
me At the Timbo Horse
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A few days before Christmas, a man enters a pet store looking
for a unique gift for his wife.

The store manager tells him he has just what he's looking for!
A beautiful parrot named Chet that sings Christmas carols.  He brings the
husband over to a colorful but quiet bird.  The man agrees that Chet
certainly is pretty, but he doesn't seem to be much for singing. The
manager tells him to watch as he reaches into his pocket and pulls out a
lighter.

The manager then clicks the lighter and holds it under Chet's left
foot.  Immediately Chet starts singing; "Silent Night, Holy Night."  The
husband is very impressed with Chet's singing abilities and watches as
the manager moves the lighter underneath Chet's right foot. Chet now
starts to sing "Jingle Bells, Jingle All the Way."  The husband says
Chet is perfect and that he'll take him.

The husband rushes home to his wife and insists upon giving her this
wonderful gift immediately.  He presents Chet and starts to explain the
parrot's special talent.  Demonstrating, he holds a lighter under Chet's
left foot and the bird sings "Silent Night." He then moves the lighter
under the right foot and Chet lets loose a round of "Jingle Bells."

The wife is absolutely impressed, and with a mischievous grin asks her
husband what happens if he holds the lighter between Chet's legs
instead.  Curious the husband moves the lighter between the
bird's legs, and the bird begins to sing--

Chet's Nuts Roasting on an Open Fire!

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 Merry Christmas From
me At the Timbo Horse
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A middle aged couple are together at the breakfast table. The
wife says, "Honey, you won't believe the dream I had last nite." She goes
on to tell him that her dream was about this huge Christmas tree in
their living room that was decorated with hundreds of cocks. She went
on, "There were small dicks, huge dicks, some circumcised and some
not. Some were black, others white, some hairy and some not." She went on,
"...and Honey, you should have seen the penis at the top of the tree, it
was magnificent."

He asked, "Honey, was it mine at the top of the tree?"
She replyed, "Sorry, honey, I don't think so."

The husband says, "Well, I'll be damned. I had the very same dream,
except my Christmas tree was covered with hundreds of pussies.
Some white and others black. Some had fat lips and some had thin
lips, others were hairy, a few were shaved. And the snatch on the very top
of the tree was beautiful."

The wife asks, "Honey, was the one on top of the tree, mine?"
He said, "No, honey, we used your pussy for the tree stand."

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Merry Christmas From
me At the Timbo Horse
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 Walkin' Round in Women's Underwear
   (to be sung to "Walkin' in a Winter Wonderland")

  Lacy things - the wife is missin,
  Didn't ask - her permission,
  I'm wearin' her clothes,
  Her silk pantyhose,
  Walkin' round in women's underwear..

  In the store - there's a teddy,
  Little straps - like spaghetti,
  It holds me so tight,
  Like handcuffs at night,
  Walkin' round in women's underwear.

  In the office there's a guy named Marvin,
  He pretends that I am Murphy Brown.
  He'll say, "Are you ready?" I'll say, "Whoa, Man!"
  "Let's wait until our wives are out of town!"

  Later on, if you wanna,
  We can dress - like Madonna,
  Put on some eyeshade,
  And join the parade,
  Walkin' round in women's underwear!

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Merry Christmas From
me At the Timbo Horse
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"Elf Pick-Up Lines, version I"

10. All day I make toys -- all night I make love.
 9. Has anyone ever told you you have beautiful knees?
 8. We don't see many happenin' ladies north of the Arctic Circle.
 7. That's quite a set of ornaments you've got there.
 6. Just because a guy wears tights doesn't mean he's gay.
 5. One night with me, baby, and you'll be sneezin' tinsel.
 4. Why, yes -- I am George Stephanopoulos!
 3. I can't tell you how hard it is to be the only Jewish elf?
 2. Not everything about me is tiny.
 1. That's not Elmo, but don't stop tickling.

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Merry Christmas From
me At the Timbo Horse
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  Rudolph the Red-Nosed-Reindeer
  used to have a steady job
  Santa had hired a new guy
  Flying mule whose name was Bob
  All of the other Reindeer
  Used to wonder what he was
  He'll make us miss our deadlines
  Plodding on the way Bob does.

  Then One foggy Christmas eve
  Santa made a call
  Rudolph with your nose so bright
  Won't you guide my sleigh tonight
  Then how the Reindeer loved him
  And he helped them though the mess
  Rudolph the Red-Nosed-Reindeer
  Flies a plane for  UPS.

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Merry Christmas From
me At the Timbo Horse
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As the Christmas season draws nigh, foretelling the end of over
a full month of Commercial Christmas, there is a special urgency in the
spirits of children as they visit toy stores and toy departments all
over the country. It was with particular urgency that little Wilbert
dragged his mother to the toy department in a big Los Angeles department
store. Mother quickly steered Wilbert into the line of children waiting
to talk to Santa, but Wilbert was far more interested in the hobby
horse.

As soon as his mother relaxed her vigilance for a moment,
Wilbert vanished from the Santa Queue and began rocking back and forth
on the hobby horse. His mother noticed his absence, and after a quick,
frantic search, spotted him on the horse. She let him rock for a few
minutes, then told him it was time to get off. Wilbert ignored her. She
began to beg; Wilbert paid no attention. She began to make promises of
sugarplums, etc., if only Wilbert would get off the hobby horse.
He stuck his nasty little tongue out at her.

Then Santa himself, who had been watching this little family
drama out of the corner of his eye, stepped over and said to Wilbert's
mother, "Perhaps I can persuade your son to cooperate." "I doubt that,"
said the mother, "but you're welcome to try."

Santa, with a big smile, whispered quietly into Wilbert's ear.
Wilbert's eyes grew very large, he quickly slid off the horse and took his
mother's hand. Together, with no fuss, they left the store.

As they drove home, Mama asked Wilbert what Santa had whispered
to him. Wilbert was silent. Mama began offering bribes (toys and German
Chocolate cake) if Wilbert would only tell Mama what Santa's
words were. Wilbert turned pale and wouldn't utter a word.

What had Santa said? Wilbert's mother was determined to find
out. She had never been able to get the kid to obey that easily, and
decided it was worth a great deal of effort on her part to discover what
magic Santa Claus had used on Wilbert.

She continued to bribe him with a soft voice and much cajolery,
and Wilbert's stubborn streak finally faded. What did Santa say?
Wilbert now answered: "He said, 'Listen, you little son of a bitch, if you
don't climb your ass the hell down off that horse right this second,
I'm going to kick the living piss out of you!' "

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Merry Christmas From
me At the Timbo Horse
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     InnerCity Christmas Carols
     ==========================

     (To the tune of Deck The Halls)

     See that drag queen his name's Molly. Fa La La La La La La La La
     For 50 bucks he'll make you jolly.
     Fa La La La La La La La La
     See him in his gay apparel.
     Fa La La La La La La La La
     You should meet his brother Carol.
     Fa La La La La La La La La

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Merry Christmas From
me At the Timbo Horse
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     (To The Tune Of Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer(as if you didn't know))

     Rudolph the red nosed wino,
     Had a very shiny nose,
     And if you got too close to him,
     He would take off his clothes.
     All of the other winos,
     Used to laugh and call him names,
     They never let poor Rudolph,
     Join in any wino games.
     Then one chilly Christmas Eve,
     Rudolph froze to death in an alley.
     End of story.

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Merry Christmas From
me At the Timbo Horse
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[from Jim Moore Jr., via UGA Humor List]

Christmas Controversies

CONTROVERSY: Should the tree be real or fake?
YUPPIE: Live tree, planted after use
MALE: Fake tree, discarded after use
FEMALE: Grow tree in house, adorned with fruits
REALITY: Fake tree stays up until May, adorned with furballs

CONTROVERSY: Should tree lights twinkle or stay constant?
YUPPIE: Each bulb blinks to its own random rhythm
MALE: Bulbs flash logo of football team
FEMALE: Elegant flickering candles
REALITY: Tree bursts into flames, burns house down

CONTROVERSY: Should tree be topped with an angel or a star?
YUPPIE: Gender-neutral angel; no submissive female stereotype
MALE: Blonde angel, kneeling, in a wet T-shirt
FEMALE: Authentic angel explains true meaning of Christmas
REALITY: Hell's Angel steals the tree and the gifts

CONTROVERSY: Do ya fling or hang tinsel?
YUPPIE: Empower each strand w/self-determining skills
MALE: Six large clumps of tinsel on front of tree
FEMALE: Each icicle hangs like strand of spaghetti
REALITY: More icicles on floor than on tree

CONTROVERSY: Do ya open gifts on Christmas Eve or Morning
YUPPIE: Gifts opened on posted, individual schedules
MALE: Anytime, just so it doesn't interfere with football
FEMALE: Anytime the entire family is present
REALITY: Doesn't matter, everyone's peeked anyway

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Merry Christmas From
me At the Timbo Horse
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The Top Ten Worst things to hear at Christmas Dinner:

10.  "I'm just using up some cranberry sauce I had left over from last
Christmas."

9.  "So I figured, if I'm dieting, everybody's dieting."

8.  "Just brush the frost off the turkey before you carve it."

7.  "Who wants bologna?"

6.  "Thought I'd save a little time and just leave the feathers on."

5.  "I'm trying out a brand new stuffing recipe.  Hope you like
Licorice."

4.  "Before we eat, I thought we could just go around the table and take
turns telling our favorite Christmas memory."

3.  "Wait!  We didn't get a picture!  Everybody put your food back."

2.  "Put on that cute record about Grandma and the reindeer while we
eat."

1.  "Here's the Fruitcake."

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Merry Christmas From
me At the Timbo Horse
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I was musing on similarities between Santa Claus and
system administrators.
Consider:

1. Santa is bearded, corpulent, and dresses funny.
2. When you ask Santa for something, the odds of receiving what you
wanted are infinitesimal.
3. Santa seldom answers your mail.
4. When you ask Santa where he gets all the stuff he's got, he says,
"Elves make it for me."
5. Santa doesn't care about your deadlines.
6. Your parents ascribed supernatural powers to Santa, but did all the
work themselves.
7. Nobody knows who Santa has to answer to for his actions.
8. Santa laughs entirely too much.
9. Santa thinks nothing of breaking into your HOME.
10. Only a lunatic says bad things about Santa in his
presence.

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Merry Christmas From
me at the Timbo Horse
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Copied from Houston Chronicle Columnist, Jim Barlow:

 Tis the season for turkey and dressing, Santa and that reindeer with the
nose which betrays the drinking problem.

 And it's also the prime season for Weird Business News as companies
scramble for the holiday sale -- all the while humming, "What a friend we
have in Jesus."

 People with something to sell reach far to link it to a holiday -- so far
they often stumble. Some examples:

 * "With the gift-giving season in full swing, sales for an all-natural,
European breast enhancement tablet used to develop firmer, fuller breasts
have increased over 40 percent, according to figures calculated by Busting
Out, Inc."

 * "id Software, Activision Inc. and Diamond Multimedia systems, Inc., are
kicking off this holiday season with a QUAKE Wrecks the Halls promotion ...
"

 * "On Thanksgiving, Celebrate Turkey Day the 7-Eleven Way -- In your car."

 * "WWW.Speedingticket.Net just in time for holiday traffic."

 * "Gold coins from a sunken Spanish vessel, the world's first postage
stamp, the valuable Morgan Silver Dollar and other collectibles are being
offered by Amway through its new Amway Historic Treasures Catalog."

 * "Ties do it. Perfume does it. Now mutual funds do it -- make a good
holiday gift, that is."

 And my absolute favorite is from the Humane Society of the United States,
which announces it has commissioned a new costume for Santa Claus which
does not contain any fur. It's described as a full-length red coat and cap
trimmed in green and accentuated with gold stars -- designed by Oleg
Cassini

(>------<)QTip(>------<)QTip
Merry Christmas From
me At the Timbo Horse
(>------<)QTip(>------<)QTIP

THE RESTROOM DOOR SAID GENTLEMEN
    (Tune: "God Rest Ye Merry, Gentlemen")
                     Author: unknown

The restroom door said "Gentleman"
And so I walked inside,
I took two steps and realized
I'd been taken for a ride,
I heard high voices, turned
and found the place was occupied,
By two nuns, three old ladies and a nurse,
What could be worse
Than two old nuns, three old ladies and a nurse...

The restroom door said "gentlemen"
It must have been a gag,
As soon as I walked in there
I saw an old hag,
She sprayed me with a can of mace
And slapped me with her bag,
I could tell this just wouldn't be my day,
What can I say?
This just wasn't turning out to be my day...

The restroom door said "gentlemen"
And I would like to find,
That crummy little creep
Who had the nerve to switch the sign,
'Cause I have two black eyes
And one big bruise on my behind,
So I can't sit with comfort and joy
Boy, oh boy,
No, I'll never sit with comfort and joy.

(>------<)QTip(>------<)QTip
 Merry Christmas From
me At the Timbo Horse
(>------<)QTip(>------<)QTIP

Alice's twin boys were exact opposites.  Bill was an eternal
 optimist.  No matter how dark the cloud, he always found a
 silver lining.  Bob was a hopeless pessimist...always finding
 the negative no matter how good the situation.

 Alice asked a psychiatrist what to do about Christmas. The
 doctor told her to buy all the toys she could for Bob, the
 pessimist; and to get nothing for Bill.  In fact, he told
 her to wrap up some manure for Bill.

 Christmas morning, Dave and Alice came downstairs and found
 the twins by the tree.  She asked Bob what Santa had brought
 him.

 "A BB gun, but I'll probably hit someone in the eye and
 blind him.  And a bicycle, but I'll probably get run over
 and be killed while riding it.  And a computer, but I'll
 probably get carpal tunnel syndrome from too much typing.
 And an electric train, but I'll probably electrocute myself,"
 said Bob.

 Realizing it wasn't going well, Alice asked Bill what he got.

 "I'm not sure!!" he replied excitedly. "I think I got a pony,
 but I haven't been able to find him yet."

 (>------<)QTip(>------<)QTip
Merry Christmas From
me At the Timbo Horse
(>------<)QTip(>------<)QTIP

Week ending 12/13/98 Question: What are Santa's biggest complaints?

(_)  Ken Starr contstantly sending in unsolicited "Referrals" about who's been
naughty and who's been nice.

(_)  Amalgamated Union of Elves stubbornly refuses to accept salary cap.

(_)  Mrs. Claus one degree more frigid than North Pole, if you know what I
mean.

(_)  During test run, Rudolph, Donner and Blitzen all blew a .20.

(>------<)QTip(>------<)QTip
Merry Christmas From
me At the Timbo Horse
(>------<)QTip(>------<)QTIP

  WHAT NOT TO GET YOUR DOG FOR CHRISTMAS
  (with Christmas close, I thought I would pass on these suggestions)

  1. A CD of cats meowing popular Christmas songs.

  2.  A chew toy with the head already gnawed off by his canine brother who
  chewed his way into the gift box around the 15th of the month.

  3. A chew toy shaped like a shoe which he is immediately going to
  confuse with the right sneaker of your favorite pair.

  4. Central A/C for his Dogloo when you're still using individual wall
  units that are barely up to cooling a small close-size area in your
  house.

  5. Anything Garfield.

  6. A remote control for the refrigerator door.

  7. A knitted pink sweater that makes your macho doberman look like a
  poodle.

  8. A deluxe pre-packaged treat-filled Christmas stocking that's large
  enough for you to use as a sleeping bag.

  9. Doggie antlers when your near-sighted hunting relatives will be
  spending the holidays with you.

  10. A stuffed toy dog with an angel's halo as a hint as to what he has
  to do to get more presents next year.

  11. A doggie door between you and the suspicious butcher next door.

  12. An audition for a diet dog food commercial where they feed him so
  much during retakes that he actually gains weight.

  13. A piece of jewelry featuring a ceramic dog of his breed for you to
  wear.

  14. His own Petsmart credit card.

  15. A cat.
(>------<)Qtip(>------<)Qtip
Merry Christmas From
me At the Timbo Horse
(>------<)QTip(>------<)QTIp
This is a set of essential personality tests to prepare you
misfit readers for Christmas and your New Year's resolutions:

1. You reuse last year's Christmas cards and send them out under your
    own name (5 points).
2. You steal light bulbs from you neighbor's outdoor display to replenish
    your own supply (5 points, 10 if neighbor's whole light sets or
lighted
    Santa goes out).
3. You have dressed a dog or cat as Santa Claus, elf helper, or reindeer
    (10 points for each; if you dressed an endangered species, 5 extra
     points).
4. You put out last year's stale candy canes for children (1 point for
each
    piece of sticky candy). If you put out a chocolate or marzipan Santa
also,
    add 10 points.
5. You enclose a shoddy and inferior gift from Target, Walmart, or K-Mart
in
    a Bloomingdale's or other prestige box to impress your friends (5
points
    for each infraction).
6. You make collect long distance phone calls to your family on Christmas
day
    (5 points, 10 if from a cell phone), claiming you are stuck in a
phone
    booth.
7. At the office Christmas party, you horde huge stockpiles of goodies
for
    later consumption at home (5 points; 15 points if you use this stuff
for
    your own party).
8. You steal the wreath from a parked car to use on your own (Southern
    California only, others ignore: 5 points -- nobody but Angelenos are
    dumb enough to dress a car).
9. After an invitation to a friend's house, you bring a commercially
    produced fruitcake and try to pass it off as home made (5 points; 15
    points if the fruitcake is from last year).
10. Any stealing from the Toys-for-Tots collection bins is a definite
    no-no (20 points).

Evaluate your score on the "Grinch Scale" from 20 to 100.

20-30:  You are just a cheeseball.
30-50:  You are an apprentice in Yuletide larceny and are probably wanted
by
        the police for overdue parking tickets.
50-100: Grinch, move over. The Meyer Lansky of Christmas crime has
arrived.

(>------<)QTip(>------<)QTip
Merry Christmas From
me At the Timbo Horse
(>------<)QTip(>------<)QTIP

"Frequently Asked Questions About Christmas"

Q: If Santa doesn't have to age, then why has he
become old?
A: He only appears to be old. He's an undercover kid.

Q: How can a sleigh possibly fly through the air?
A: If you were being pulled by eight flying reindeer,
wouldn't you fly too?

Q: Why do we wish people a "Merry Christmas" instead
of a "Happy Christmas"?
A: The two are about the same, but with "Merry
Christmas" an extra twinkle is seen in the eyes.

Q: Why is a Christmas tree that has been chopped down
called a "live Christmas tree?"
A: It's dead but doesn't know it, and yet it's having the time
of its life.

Q: Why do we wrap our Christmas gifts with paper?
A: Because we like to see surprise and joy (real or kindly
faked) in the recipients.

Q: How many angels can dance on the head of a pin?
A: Nowadays, only four angels can dance there. Formerly
there was no limit, but OSHA passed the Angel Safety Law
recently, which also requires that the pin must be inspected
twice each year for structural defects.

Q: How many gifts can Santa Claus's bag hold?
A: One less than infinity. Why one less? Because there's
a limit to everything.

Q: How could a star that is high in the sky lead the Wise
Men to a tiny manger on the ground?
A: Wisely, toward the end of their journey they asked
directions from someone on the road. Had they not been
so wise, they might have missed the manger by several
hundred miles. (That person on the road has never been
identified.)

Q: Is there really a Mrs. Santa Claus?
A: The best way to know for sure is to ask Santa Claus
next time you see him.

Q: Why do we hear so many bells at Christmas time?
A: Because so many people ring them.

Q: Why do so many people ring bells at Christmas time?
A: For the poor, for the joy, and because a bell can say
what words can't say.

Q: What can't words say?
A: The moment you wake up on Christmas morning,
listen carefully. You may hear then what words can't say.

(>------<)QTip(>------<)QTip
Merry Christmas From
me At the Timbo Horse
(>------<)QTip(>------<)QTIP

Santa & System Admistrators

I was musing on similarities between Santa Claus and system
administrators. Consider:

1. Santa is bearded, corpulent, and dresses funny.

2. When you ask Santa for something, the odds of receiving what you
wanted are infinitesimal.

3. Santa seldom answers your mail.

4. When you ask Santa where he gets all the stuff he's got, he says,
"Elves make it for me."

5. Santa doesn't care about your deadlines.

6. Your parents ascribed supernatural powers to Santa, but did all
the work themselves.

7. Nobody knows who Santa has to answer to for his actions.

8. Santa laughs entirely too much.

9. Santa thinks nothing of breaking into your HOME.

10. Only a lunatic says bad things about Santa in his presence.

(>------<)QTip(>------<)QTip

Reindeer for Sale
For Sale: 9 white reindeer. Reindeer are all male and range in age from
5-13 years. TB and brucellosis tested; current on all vaccinations,
vet-checked and come with health certificates and guarantee of flight.
Lead deer has dermatologic condition which is chronic, but doesn't seem
to affect pulling ability or visual accuracy. One owner. $2,000.00
apiece/ first $17,000 takes all. Tired of the cold weather and moving to
Phoenix. Please contact: Mr. S. Claus, [email protected]

 (>------<)QTip(>------<)QTip
Merry Christmas From
me At the Timbo Horse
(>------<)QTip(>------<)QTIP

         The Top 14 Things Overheard in Santa's Toyshop

14> "Y'know, this new Crying Game Barbie just doesn't seem to
     be very popular."

13> "Hey, this is a piece of cake compared to some of the gigs
     I've had -- cookies for Keebler, clothes for Kathie Lee,
     shoes for Nike..."

12> "I don't care what Santa thinks -- these 'Tickle Me Tripp'
     dolls are downright frightening!"

11> "Just toss that broken toy in the barrel marked
     'Non-Christians.'"

10> "I'll build toys for the fat bastard, but shaving his
     back hair is where I draw the line."

 9> "Santa, we already make dolls that talk, walk, wet, cry,
     whatever... now you want one that blows cigar smoke out
     of its *what*??"

 8> "Please, Mrs. Claus, those batteries are for the children's
     toys!!"

 7> "Hey, *you* try building a Playstation with nothing but
     antique Victorian woodcarving tools, chubbo!!"

 6> "I don't care who the hell he is -- the old geezer pulls
     that 'checking it twice' thing again, I'm suing for
     sexual harassment!"

 5> "Alright, which of you smartasses put the weed in the
     EZ Bake Oven brownie mix?!"

 4> "OK, The Big Guy says no female elves on the Washington DC
     run this year -- it's a height thing."

 3> "Even if you did see it in the Times, we don't make a
     'Poke Your Eye Out Stick.'"

 2> "Furby, schmurby -- Just paint the Tickle-Me-Elmos and
     the little brats will never know the difference."
 

  and Top5's Number 1 Thing Overheard In Santa's Toyshop...
 

 1> "Woo-hoo!  C'mon, guys -- it's time to put the finishing
     touches on the dresses for the Monica Lewinsky dolls!!"

[           This list copyright 1998 by Chris White            ]
[  The Top 5 List   [email protected]    http://www.topfive.com  ]
[      To forward or repost, please include this section.      ]

(>------<)QTip(>------<)QTip
Merry Christmas From
me At the Timbo Horse
(>------<)QTip(>------<)QTIP

HOLIDAY TRIVIA

The average American takes six months to pay off holiday credit-card
bills.

Pogonophobia:  the fear of beards.

There are currently 78 people named S. Claus living in the U.S. -- and
one Kriss Kringle.

December is the most popular month for nose jobs.

Weight of Santa's sleigh loaded with one Beanie Baby for every kid on
earth:  333,333 tons.

Number of reindeer required to pull a 333,333-ton sleigh:  214,206 --
plus Rudolph.

Average wage of a mall Santa:  $11 an hour.  With real beard:  $20.

To deliver his gifts in one night, Santa would have to make 822.6 visits
per second, sleighing at 3,000 times the speed of sound.

At that speed, Santa and his reindeer would burst into flame
instantaneously.

(>------<)QTip(>------<)QTip
Merry Christmas From
me At the Timbo Horse
(>------<)QTip(>------<)QTIP

MELVIN DURAI'S HUMOR COLUMN

CHRISTMAS MEANS A LOT TO PEOPLE

It seems like we're always celebrating something
in America: Easter, Halloween, Thanksgiving,
Valentine's Day, Secretary's Day, Father's Day,
Mother's Day, Ex-wife's Day...

The longest and biggest celebration, of course,
is Christmas.

Many years ago, Christmas was celebrated on
Dec. 25, but nowadays the celebration begins
sometime in early November. That's when
department stores start playing Christmas music
to get people in the right mood: "Jingle bells,
jingle bells, jingle all the way. Oh what fun it is to
shop and blow your measly pay."

Christmas ends sometime in January, when
millions of men, still bloated from holiday turkey
and candy, somehow find enough energy to crawl
off the couch and take down the Christmas lights.
That usually happens a day or two after the
football season.

Many Americans love Christmas, the most
meaningful of our celebrations:

It means giving a lot of free food to the homeless
and poor, and hoping they'll eat enough to make
it through the rest of the year.

It means decorating your house with enough
sparkling lights to impress your neighbors and
blind the pilots of passing planes.

It means buying a tall Christmas tree, adorning it
with ornaments and praying that your children
won't try to climb it.

It means searching for the addresses of people
you don't keep in touch with, so you can send
them Christmas cards and make them feel guilty
for not doing the same.

It means sending photographs with your cards,
so your distant friends and relatives can
remember what you and your family look like.

It means sending form letters with your cards
and including important information like, "Bob is
really enjoying his job with Amway and feels
more fulfilled than ever. Mary enjoys gardening
and recently managed to grow two tomatoes.
Praise the Lord!"

It means eating so much candy and cookies that
children start following you around, asking, "Hey
Santa, where's your red suit?"

It means going shopping and spending a few
hours searching for a parking spot. And it means
showing your Christmas spirit by cursing anyone
who beats you to one.

It means taking your children to Santa and hoping
they won't ask for a popular toy that you can't buy
without running over other shoppers.

It means saying "Let's charge it" more often than
you say "Merry Christmas!"

It means combing through several stores, trying to
find a special gift for that special person who
already owns too much.

It means receiving so many fliers from K mart and
Wal-Mart, your parakeets can look down and know
it's Christmas.

It means spending a small fortune on wrapping
paper, so your friends can have colorful gifts and
the entire country can have colorful landfills.

It means receiving many gifts you like and many
gifts you'd like to return.

Of course, for many people, Christmas means
something a lot more important than all that. It's
something they celebrate on Dec. 25, something
that brings genuine joy to their hearts.

It means they don't have to go to work

 (>------<)QTip(>------<)QTip
Merry Christmas From
me At the Timbo Horse
(>------<)QTip(>------<)QTIP

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
                  THE 1998 NEVAWUZ GIFT CATALOG
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
                        COLOGNE SPECIAL
You've already bought Dad this year's bottle of OLD SPICE, but now you
are in a quandry over what to get your collegian brother. After you've
put up with his teen years get him the scent that will always let  him
know you haven't forgotten him.  OLD SOCKS COLOGNE smell just like the
underneath of a teen-ager boy's  bed or closet. Even if he has gone on
to  be  a  giant in the  corporate world,  you can still humble him by
presenting this present at the big family gathering.

OLD SOCKS COLOGNE 6oz bottle - item # PU186.....................$14.92
OLD SOCKS COLOGNE GAS MASK - item # GASP4R.....................$133.95
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
                          STOOPID'S CUBE
Remember the RUBIK'S CUBE? Over the last decade and a half,  you still
haven't solved it.  You could never get the six sided cube arranged so
that all the colors were matched together.  It's Only now, after years
of research in our research center in  EGGland,  have we developed the
RUBIK'S CUBE for the rest of us.  STOOPID'S CUBE.  Yes, STOOPID'S CUBE
was designed using space age technology, computer aided drafting,  and
a lucky draw in a fortune cookie raffle to bring you the world's first
cube puzzle that even YOU can solve.  All 6 sides of the new STOOPID'S
CUBE were prepared using the same color.  No matter how many times you
spin the cube, the colors ALWAYS match. Don't let the gang down at the
malt shop think you're a loser. Order three, and show them all that it
doesn't matter which one they chose,  you can always solve the puzzle!

STOOPID'S CUBE Item # IQ-74.....................................$59.95
        Easy payment plan available, only $9.95 a month for 32 months.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
                  ( ( ( ( TOENAIL SCULPTURE ) ) ) )
This is a great gift for your environmentally  concerned  friends. The
secret of the ancient art of TOENAIL SCULPTURE is in your hands as you
learn how the pre-historic cave dwellers of Eastern Europe spent their
spare time during the last ice age,  before the invention of the Color
TV or the VCR!   You'll learn the secret of how to sculpt such amazing
and fascinating  works of art  using only  your own toe nail clippings
and a few special tools.  Re-create such remarkable figurines as those
that were in vouge at the time: Toe-nail Water-buffalo, Toe-nail Saber
Toothed Tiger,  and the ever popular Toe-Nail Wooly Mammoths Mating In
January. What's more, you can order the popular TOE NAIL SCRIMSHAW SET
seperately for those friends who  don't trim thier toe nails!  Can you
picture the envy of everyone on the beach this summer with their plain
old ordinary toenails when you  show up with such exciting scenes as a
three-masted schooner, a herd of stampeding horses,  or a San Fransico
Cable Car adorning your toe nails in authentic looking scrimshaw!

TOE-NAIL SCUPTURE BOOK Item #10-PIGYS...........................$33.95
TOE-NAIL SCUPTURE TOOLS Item #10-PIGYS-B........................$98.95
TOE-NAIL SCRIMSHAW BOOK Item WEE^3..............................$33.95
TOE-NAIL SCRIMSHAW TOOLS Item # WEE^3-HOME......................$78.10
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                          GOURMET COFFEE
Tired of hearing your truck driving spouse  talking  about  the  lousy
coffee served at some of the  truck stops?  You don't have to hear any
more complaints with the LOUSY GOURMET COFFEE OF THE MONTH CLUB!   The
LGCOTM CLUB offers you some of the worst blended truck-stop coffee for
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 BOBBY JOE'S DISHWATER MIXTURE
                                             BUBBA BOB'S CIGAR ASH MIX
 WHIZZER'S URINAL SURPRISE
                                   JOSE HERMOZA'S REFRIED COFFEE BEANS
                         and Many Many More!!!
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
LGCOTM Club Item #1-4-DAROAD Annual Fee.......................$1943.22
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
                      CHIEF EXECUTIVE CIGARS
The MR.  PREZIDUNT,  the only cigar imported all the way from Arkansas
will light up the life of that stressed out executive.  Made with that
special blend of domestic tobaccos and hayseed, the Mr.PREZIDUNT cigar
is more than just a smoke! And we ain't just blowing smoke rings!
MR. PREZIDUNT CIGARS Item # AF1 ..................50ct box..$75,000.00
    (make check payable to the Democratic National Committee)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
                   STRESS MANAGEMENT VIDEOS
Stress. It takes its toll on us all. Even when we relax at home with a
tape in the VCR or watch the news,  the excitement can be too much for
the over-stressed person. You don't have time to smell the roses,  but
now you can relax and take that time out in your  life  so desparately
needed with these special, relaxing tapes to relieve your stress. Each
set has thirty different individual tapes of four hours, made for your
relaxation.
WATCHING GRASS GROW Item # 11111111411111111...................$750.47
WATCHING PAINT DRY Item # 4444444-I (Iowa edition).............$832.74
WATCHING PAINT DRY Item # 4444444-N (Nebraska edition).........$799.95
WATCHING PAINT DRY Item # 4444444-B (Brooklyn edition).........$123.95
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
                     ANIMAL EDUCATION SERIES
The high school or college student in your household  will  appreciate
this fine set of books.  You may even want to get  a set  for yourself
to learn all about the wild and domesticated kingdoms of the animal.
GERBILS THROUGHOUT HISTORY Item #RAT-4..........................$33.72
HOUSEBREAKING YOUR WART-HOG Item #OYNK-8........................$31.84
SLOTH RACING-SPORT OF CONGRESSMEN Item #ZZZZZ...................$45.54
CALL ME BUBBLES (THE REAL STORY ABOUT MICHAEL JACKSON, BY BUBBLES THE
CHIMP AS TOLD TO MR. ED) Item #696969...........................$41.89

(From Swiggy)
(>------<)QTip(>------<)QTip

TORONTO (Reuters) - A major Canadian retailer has ordered six-inch
singing Santa figurines removed from store shelves after complaints
that the song they sing is an obscene version of "Rudolph the Red-
Nosed Reindeer."

The battery-powered Santas warbled a locker-room version of the
Christmas tune in a voice similar to that of the late singer Burl
Ives, a spokesman for Canadian Tire Corp. Ltd. said Thursday.

Santa was pulled after a Welland, Ontario, store received a complaint
from a concerned customer. "I had to listen to it three times. I
thought it was a skip, but then I heard it," said Frank Ehrhardt,
assistant manager of hardware and other goods at the Welland store.
The lyrics were in part: "Rudolph the red nose... has a shiny nose that
blows."

The chain has agreed to offer full refunds to customers who return
the C$30 Santas, which were made in China. The glitch was likely
caused by "someone at the manufacturing plant having a bad night,"
Ehrhardt said.
(>------<)Qtip(>------<)
Merry Christmas From
me At the Timbo Horse
(>------<)QTip(>------<)QTIP

2 Cold Street,
North Pole,
H0H 0H0
Dear ________
I have been watching you very  closely  to see if you have been good
this year, and since you have, I will be telling my elves to make some
goodies for me to leave under your tree at Christmas.  I was going to
bring you all the gifts from the "Twelve Days of Christmas",  but we
had a  little problem up here.  The twelve fiddlers fiddling, have all
come down with V.D from fiddling with the ten ladies  dancing.

The eleven lords a leaping have knocked up the eight maids a milking,
and the nine pipers playing, have  been arrested for doing weird
things to the seven swans a swimming.

The six geese a laying, four calling birds,  three french hens, two
turtle doves, and a partridge in a pear tree, have me up to my ass in
bird droppings.

On top of all  this,  Mrs. Clause is going through menopause, eight of
my  reindeer are in heat, the elves have joined Gay Liberation, and
those dumb-ass Newfoundlanders have scheduled Christmas for the 5th Of
February.

Sincerely,

Santa

(>------<)Qtip(>------<)
Merry Christmas From
me At the Timbo Horse
(>------<)QTip(>------<)QTIP

The X(mas) Files

Mulder
   We're too late. It's already been here.
Scully
   Mulder, I hope you know what you are doing.
Mulder
   Look, Scully, just like the other homes Douglas fir,truncated,
   mounted, transformed into some sort of shrine; halls decked with
   boughs of holly; stockings hung by the chimney, with care.
Scully
   You really think someone's been here?
Mulder
   Someone or some THING.
Scully
   Mulder, over here -- it's fruitcake.
Mulder
   Don't touch it! Those things can be lethal.
Scully
   It's O.K. There's a note attached: "Gonna find out who's naughty
   and nice."
Mulder
   It's judging them, Scully. It's making a list.
Scully
   Who? What are you talking about?
Mulder
   Ancient mythology tells of an obese humanoid entity who could tra-
   vel at great speed in a craft powered by antlered servants. Once
   each year, near the winter solstice, this creature is said to des-
   cend from the heavens to reward its followers and punish its dis-
   believers with jagged chunks of anthracite.
Scully
   But that's legen
d, Mulder -- a story told by parents to frighten
   children. Surely, you don't believe it?
Mulder
   Something was here tonite, Scully. Check out the bite marks on
   this gingerbread man. Whatever tore through this plate of cookies
   was massive -- and in a hurry.
Scully
   It left crumbs everywhere. And look, Mulder, this milk glass has
   been completely drained.
Mulder
   It gorged itself, Scully. It fed without remorse.
Scully
 But why would they leave it milk and cookies?
Mulder
   Appeasement. Tonight is the Eve, and nothing can stop its wilding.
Scully
   But if this thing does exist, how did it get in? The doors and
   windows were locked. There's no sign of forced entry.
Mulder
   Unless I miss my guess, it came through the fireplace.
Scully
   Wait a minute, Mulder. If you are saying some huge creature landed
   on the roof and came down the chimney, you're crazy. The flue is
   barely six inches wide. Nothing could get through there.
Mulder
   But what if it could alter its shape, move in all directions.
Scully
   You mean, like a bowl full of jelly?
Mulder
   Exactly. Scully, I've never told anyone this, but when I was  a
   child, my home was visited. I saw the creature. It had long white
   strips of fur surrounding its ruddy, misshapen head. Its bloated
   torso was red and white. I'll never forget the horror. I turned
   away, and when I looked back it had somehow taken on the facial
   features of my father.
Scully
   Impossible.
Mulder
   I know what I saw. And that night it read my mind. It brought me a
   Mr. Potato Head, Scully. IT KNEW I WANTED A MR. POTATO HEAD.
Scully
   I'm sorry, Mulder, but you're asking me to disregard the laws of
   physics. You want me to believe in some supernatural being who
   soars across the skies and brings gifts to good little girls and
   boys. Listen to what you are saying. Do you understand the reper-
   cussions? If this gets out, they'll close the X-files.
Mulder
   Scully, listen to me: It knows when you are sleeping. It knows when
   you're awake.
Scully
   But we have no proof..
Mulder
   Last year, on this exact date, S.E.T.I. radio telescopes detected
   bogeys in the airspace over twenty-seven states. The White House
   ordered a Condition Red.
Scully
   But that was a meteor shower.
Mulder
   Officially. Two days ago, eight prized Scandinavian reindeer
   vanished from the National Zoo in Washington, D.C.  Nobody - not
   even the zookeeper - was told about it. The government doesn't
   want people to know about Project Kringle. They fear that if this
   thing is proved to exist, then the public would stop spending half
   its annual income in a holiday shopping frenzy. Retail markets will
   collapse.  Scully,they cannot let the world believe this creature
   lives. There's too much at stake. They'll do whatever it takes to
   insure another silent night.
Scully
   Mulder, I --
Mulder
   Sh-h-h! Do you hear what I hear?
Scully
   On the roof. It sounds like...a clatter.
Mulder
   The truth is up there. Let's see what's the matter.

(>------<)Qtip(>------<)Qtip
Merry Christmas From
me At the Timbo Horse
(>------<)QTip(>------<)QTIP

Jingle Bells [with kids]

Jingle Bells Jingle Bells
The kids all yell and scream
To us it sounds like anarchy
But to them it's harmony-HEY!

Jingle Bells Jingle Bells
The children tipped the tree
Antique ornaments smashed to bits
The kids each say "not me"

Dad goes to work each day
Engineering things for flight
But his real job is at home
Refereeing little fights

Mom drives the kids around
In an ancient Caravan
Karate, swimming, children's choir
Espresso in her hand-HEY!

Jingle Bells Jingle Bells
Jingle all the way
Our wish to you is that you have
A...Happy...Holi-dayyyyyyyyy.

(>------<)Qtip(>------<)
Merry Christmas From
me At the Timbo Horse
(>------<)QTip(>------<)QTIP

CHRISTMAS SIGNS:

     -From a toy store: "Ho, ho, ho spoken here."
     -In a bridal boutique: "Marry Christmas."
     -Outside a church: "The original Christmas Club."
     -From a department store: "Big pre-Christmas sale.
      Come in and mangle with the crowd."
     -In a Texas jewellery store: "Diamond tiaras -- $70,000.
      Three for $200,000.
     -A reducing salon: "24 Shaping Days until Christmas."
     -In a stationery store: "For the man who has everything...a
      calendar to remind him when payments are due."

(>------<)Qtip(>------<)Qtip
Merry Christmas From
me At the Timbo Horse
(>------<)QTip(>------<)QTIP

As a little girl climbed onto Santa's lap, Santa asked the
usual, "And what would you like for Christmas ?"

The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for
a minute, then gasped: "Didn't you get my E-mail?"

(>------<)Qtip(>------<)Qtip
Merry Christmas From
me At the Timbo Horse
(>------<)QTip(>------<)QTIP

Two daughters had been given parts in a Christmas
pageant at their Church. At dinner that night, they got into
an argument as to who had the most important role.

Finally the 14 year old said to her 8 year old younger sister,
"Well, you just ask Mom. She'll tell you it's much harder to
be a virgin than it is to be an angel."

(>------<)Qtip(>------<)Qtip
Merry Christmas From
me At the Timbo Horse
(>------<)QTip(>------<)QTIP
 

         Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer
              had a very shiny nose.
         Let me tell you a secret;
              it's from a drug overdose!
         All of the other Reindeer
              used to laugh and call him names.
         That is what drove poor Rudolph
              to escape into Coccaine.

         Then one foggy Christmas Eve
              Santa came to say,
         "Rudolph, we know what you've done."
              The police came and took him away.

         Now all the Reindeer are straight;
              they've given up PCP,
         quaaludes, and marijuana,
              and flying high on LSD.

          (Optional tag, to the tune of NOEL ...)
         No L, No L, No L, No L.
         None of the Reindeer do LSD.

(>------<)Qtip(>------<)Qtip
Merry Christmas From
me At the Timbo Horse
(>------<)QTip(>------<)QTIP

 Santa was very cross.  It was Christmas Eve and NOTHING was going
right. Mrs Claus had burned all the cookies.  The elves were complaining
about not getting paid for the overtime they had while making the toys.
The reindeer had been drinking all  afternoon and were dead drunk.  To
make matters worse, they had taken the sleigh out for a spin earlier in
the day and had crashed it into a tree.

 Santa was furious.  "I can't believe it!  I've got to deliver
millions of presents all over the world in just a few hours - all of my
reindeer are drunk, the elves are on strike and I don't even have a
Christmas tree!

 I sent that stupid Little Angel out HOURS ago to find a tree and
he isn't even back yet!  What am I going to do?"

 Just then, the Little Angel opened the front door and stepped  in
from the snowy night, dragging a Christmas tree.  He says  "Yo, fat man!
Where do you want me to stick the tree this year?"

 And thus the tradition of angels atop the Christmas trees came to
pass.........
(>------<)Qtip(>------<)Qtip
Merry Christmas From
me At the Timbo Horse
(>------<)QTip(>------<)QTIP
 One Christmas this little girl was standing in line to see Santa.
Finally, her turn came and she climbed up on Santa's lap.  Santa asked
the
little girl what she would like Santa to bring her for Christmas.  The
little girl said she wanted a Barbie and a G. I. Joe.  Santa thought for
a
minute, looked at the little girl and said,   I thought Barbie comes with
Ken.  The little girl looked at Santa and said,  No, Barbie comes with
G.
I. Joe, she just fakes it with Ken.

(>------<)Qtip(>------<)Qtip
Merry Christmas From
me At the Timbo Horse
(>------<)QTip(>------<)QTIP
   Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker were having one of their little
  father and son chats. Lightsabers drawn and sparks flying.

  Vader pinned Luke against a bulkhead and glared into his face,
  "I know what you're getting for Christmas, Luke," he said,
  "Ohhh, yes! I know!"

  Luke fought himself free and jumped to a higher platfrom just
  out of Vader's reach, "How do you know!?" Luke yelled at
  him, "How do you know what I'm getting for Christmas!?"
  Darth Vader shot Luke an icey glare, "I felt your presents."

(>------<)Qtip(>------<)Qtip
Merry Christmas From
me At the Timbo Horse
(>------<)QTip(>------<)QTIP

SANTA's BEST PICK UP LINES (PG 13)
___________________________________

* I know when you`ve been bad or good --
  so let's skip the small talk, sister!

* Hey Babe, when was the last time you did it in a sleigh?

* Ever make it with a fat guy with a whip?

* I know when you`ve been bad or good --
  so let's skip the small talk, sister!

* Some of my best toys run on batteries... <wink wink>

* I see you when you're sleeping - and you don't
  wear any underwear, do you?

* Screw the "nice" list -- I've got you on my
  "nice AND naughty" list!

* Wanna join the "Mile High" club?

* That's not a candy cane in my pocket, honey.
  I'm just glad to see you!

(>------<)Qtip(>------<)Qtip
Merry Christmas From
me At the Timbo Horse
(>------<)QTip(>------<)QTIP

In a small Southern town there was a "Nativity Scene" that showed
great skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature
bothered me. The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets.
Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left.

At a "Quick Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind
the counter about the helmets.  She exploded into a rage, yelling
at me,  "You damn Yankees never do read the Bible!"  I assured her
that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in
the Bible. She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled
through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage.

Sticking it in my face she said "See, it says right here,
'The three wise man came from afar.'"

(>------<)Qtip(>------<)Qtip
Merry Christmas From
me At the Timbo Horse
(>------<)QTip(>------<)QTIP

Dear Santa, all I want is a nickel for every foul-mouthed variation of "
'Twas the Night Before Christmas" that hits my e-mail in-basket this
time of year.Roy Collette and his brother-in-law have been exchanging the
same pair of pants as a Christmas present for 11 years - and
each time the package gets harder to open. This year the pants
came wrapped in a car mashed into a 3-foot cube. The trousers
are in the glove compartment of a 1974 Gremlin. Now Collette's
plotting his revenge--if he can get them out.

It all started when Collette received a pair of moleskin trousers
from his brother-in-law, Larry Kunkel of Bensenville, Ill. Kunkel's
mother had given her son the britches when he was a college
student. He wore them a few times, but they froze stiff in cold
weather and he didn't like them. So he gave them to Collette.
Collette, who called the moleskins "miserable", wore them three
times, then wrapped them up and gave them back to Kunkel for
Christmas the next year.

The friendly exchange continued routinely until Collette twisted
the pants tightly, stuffed them into a 3-foot-long, 1-inch wide tube
and gave them back to Kunkel. The next Christmas, Kunkel
compressed the pants into a 7-inch square, wrapped them with
wire and gave the "bale" to Collette. Not to be outdone, the next
year Collette put the pants into a 2-foot-square crate filled with
stones, nailed it shut, banded it with steel and gave the trusty
trousers back to Kunkel.

The brothers agreed to end the caper if the trousers were
damaged. But they were as careful as they were clever.

Kunkel had the pants mounted inside an insulated window that
had a 20-year guarantee and shipped them off to Collette.
Collette broke the glass, recovered the trousers, stuffed them
into a 5-inch coffee can and soldered it shut. The can was put
in a 5-gallon container filled with concrete and reinforcing rods
and given to Kunkel the following Christmas. Two years ago,
Kunkel installed the pants in a 225-pound homemade steel
ashtray made from 8-inch steel casings and etched Collette's
name on the side. Collette had trouble retrieving the treasured
trousers, but succeeded without burning them with a cutting
torch.

Last Christmas, Collette found a 600-pound safe and hauled it
to Viracon Inc. in Owatonna, where the shipping department
decorated it with red and green stripes, put the pants inside and
welded the safe shut. The safe was then shipped to Kunkel, who
is the plant manager for Viracon's outlet in Bensenville.

Last week, the pants were trucked to Owatonna, 55 miles south
of Minneapolis, in a drab green, 3-foot cube that once was a car
with 95,000 miles on it. A note attached to the 2,000-pound
scrunched car advised Collette that the pants were inside the
glove compartment.

"This will take some planning," Collette said. "I will definitely get
them out. I'm confident." But he's waiting until January to think
about how to recover the bothersome britches. "Wait until next year," he
warned. "I'm on the offensive again."

(>------<)Qtip(>------<)Qtip
Merry Christmas From
me At the Timbo Horse
(>------<)QTip(>------<)QTIP

TOP 10 THINGS THAT SOUND NASTY AT CHRISTMAS...

10. Why don't you show me your new toys?
9. It's shorter than the others, but at least it stands up straight.
8. Come sit on my lap and tell me what you want.
7. Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire
6. The balls are hung so nicely.
5. So have you been a good little girl this year?
4. Come back inside where it's nice and warm.
3. Santa came last night and ate my cookies.
2. My stocking's stuffed bigger than yours.
1. Boy, we sure did get a lot of the white stuff this year.

(>------<)Qtip(>------<)Qtip
Merry Christmas From
me At the Timbo Horse
(>------<)QTip(>------<)QTIP
Merry Christmas From
me At the Timbo Horse
(>------<)QTip(>------<)QTIP

in order for this to make sense, you need to have at least a passing
familiarity with the proper programming language

IT'S THAT TIME OF YEAR AGAIN

better !pout !cry
better watchout
lpr why
santa claus <north pole >town

cat /etc/passwd >list
ncheck list
ncheck list
cat list | grep naughty >nogiftlist
cat list | grep nice >giftlist
santa claus <north pole > town

who | grep sleeping
who | grep awake
who | grep bad || good
for (goodness sake) \{be good\}

(>------<)Qtip(>------<)Qtip
Merry Christmas From
me At the Timbo Horse
(>------<)QTip(>------<)QTIP

20 WAYS TO CONFUSE SANTA CLAUS

 1. Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note
    explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds
 2. While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a
    speeding ticket.
 3. Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for the
    holidays. Ask  if he would mind watering your plants.
 4. While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact
    replicas. Then  wait and see what happens when he tries to get
    them to fly.
 5. Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes
    crazy  when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that
    big, red Santa suit!
 6. Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs
    that  say "We hate Christmas," and "Go away Santa."
 7. Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus
    called and  wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf
    of bread on his way  home.
 8. Throw a surprise party for Santa when he comes down the chimney.
    Refuse to let him leave until the strippers arrive.
 9. While he's in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon
    as he comes  back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn't have
    missed that last payment,  and take off.
 10. Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out, with
    a note that  says, "For The Tooth Fairy. :)" Leave another plate
    out with half a stale  cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a
    dirty glass with a note that says,  "For Santa. :("
 11. Take everything out of your house as if it's just been robbed.
    When  Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say,
    "Well, well. They  always return to the scene of the crime."
 12. Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes
    and  corrections.
 13. While he's in the house, cover the top of the chimney with
    barbed wire.
 14. Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa's sure
    to see  them. Go outside, yell, "Ooh! Look! A deer! And he's got
    a red nose!" and  fire a gun.
 15. Leave Santa a note, explaining that you've moved. Include a map
    with  unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house.
 16. Set a bear trap at the bottom of the chimney. Wait for Santa to
    get  caught in it, and then explain that you're sorry, but from a
    distance, he  looked like a bear.
 17. Leave out a Santa suit, with a dry-cleaning bill.
 18. Paint "hoof-prints" all over your face and clothes. While he's
    in the  house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act
    like you've been  "trampled." Threaten to sue.
 19. Instead of ornaments, decorate your tree with Easter eggs.
 20. Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then
    say,  "This neighborhood ain't big enough for the both of us."

(>------<)Qtip(>------<)Qtip
Merry Christmas From
me At the Timbo Horse
(>------<)QTip(>------<)QTIP

COULD YOU REPEAT THAT?

(From a magazine for transvestites)
'Tis The Season To Be GAY And Mary (or Janet, or Sally, or...)

(Director of a Christmas Pagent, to youthful actor)
"They're called the Three Wise MEN, NOT The Three Wise Guys!"

(Same Director, same young actor)
"No, it's Frankencense, NOT Frankenstien!"

(From a "swingers" publication)
Oh Come All Ye Faithful To The Christmas Eve Orgy And Beer Blast!

(From an Airline Ad)
Santa Claus Is Coming To Town... On (name deleted) Airlines!

(From a stand-up comic)
"Yeah, I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus...  But you shoulda seen what she
was doing with the mailman!"

(>------<)Qtip(>------<)Qtip
Merry Christmas From
me At the Timbo Horse
(>------<)QTip(>------<)QTIP

   A small boy wrote in a Christmas Card to his Aunt: "And I want to
thank you for all the presents you have sent in the past, as well as
all the ones you are going to send me this Christmas."

(>------<)Qtip(>------<)Qtip
Merry Christmas From
me At the Timbo Horse
(>------<)QTip(>------<)QTIP

   A mother was pleased with the card her son had made her for
Christmas, but was puzzled as to the scraggly-looking tree from which
many presents dangled, and at the very top, something that looked
strangely like a bullet
   She asked him if he would explain the drawing and why the tree
itself was so bare, instead of a fat pine tree.
    "It's not a Christmas tree." he said. "It's a cartridge in a pear
tree."

(>------<)Qtip(>------<)Qtip
Merry Christmas From
me At the Timbo Horse
(>------<)QTip(>------<)QTip

Concern For Santa's Mental Health
 ------------------------------------------------

 Mental Health Care Ltd.

 To:       All Home Managers

   From:  Concerned Care Staff
   Date:    25th December
   Re:       S. Claus

   We are having problems with the above named. He presents as being
happy
and jolly and walks around saying "Ho ho ho". Additionally he has taken
to
referring to an imaginary animal called Rudolf and insists on wearing a
red and white coat, even in the hearth. He refuses to use the front door
preferring to come down the chimney. This behaviour became problematic
when he came down the dining room chimney because it has been bricked up
for some time. When he is out in the community he approaches young
children, of either sex, and asks them to sit on his knee. Without staff
intervention he would then ask them if they want a present.

   In short, his behaviour makes his return to the community unlikely. I
would be grateful for your advice concerning his suitability for a
placement with Mental Health Care Ltd.

      *******************REPLY******************

   From:     Father Christmas
                (alias S. Claus)
                The North Pole

   To:       Mental Health Care Ltd.
   Re:       Letter dated 25th December.

   As you are aware recent legislation gives me access to my medical
records and I am concerned that your recent report is misleading.  You
will be aware that from time immortal priests have been in the habit of
befriending small children and treating them kindly. This takes the form
of being jolly giving presents, and more particularly sitting them on my
lap and visiting them in their bedrooms ho ho ho hooo!!

   I see no reason to change my behaviour and look forward to another
year
of jollity and indulgence unfettered by do-gooding social workers, mental
health care teams and the like. I wish to appeal against my removal from
the community under section 666 subsection 6 para 2.666 of the Icelandic
Volcanic Mental Health Act A.D.000
   (revised 1914, 1939).

   Yours sincerely

   S. Claus (Rev.)

   S. Claus.
 

     -----------------------------------------------------
            Organizational Changes at the North Pole
     -----------------------------------------------------

     TO:    Public release

     RE:    Organizational Changes at the North Pole

   The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take
the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of
concern
about whether they will be replaced, and about other restructuring
decisions at the North Pole. Streamlining was necessary due to the North
Pole's loss of dominance of the season's gift distribution business.
Home
shopping channels and mail order catalogues have diminished Santa's
market
share. He could not sit idly by and permit further erosion of the profit
picture.

   The reindeer downsizing was made possible through the purchase of a
late model Japanese sled for the CEO's annual trip. Improved productivity
from Dasher and Dancer, who summered at the Harvard Business School, is
anticipated.  Reduction in reindeer will also lessen airborne
environmental emissions for which the North Pole has received unfavorable
press.

  I am pleased to inform you that Rudolph's role will not be disturbed.
Tradition still counts for something at the North Pole. Management
denies,
in the strongest possible language, the earlier leak that Rudolph's nose
got that way, not from the cold, but from substance abuse.  Calling
Rudolph "a lush who was into the sauce and never did pull his share of
the
load" was an unfortunate comment, made by one of Santa's helpers and
taken
out of context at a time of year when he is known to be under executive
stress.

   As a further restructuring, today's global challenges require the
   North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps.
   Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take
   place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary:

    - The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never
      turned out to be the cash crop forecasted.  It will be
      replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable
      savings in maintenance;

    - The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply
      not cost effective. In addition, their romance during
      working hours could not be condoned. The positions are
      therefore eliminated;

    - The three French hens will remain intact.  After all,
      everyone loves the French;

    - The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice
      mail system, with a call waiting option.  An analysis is
      underway to determine who the birds have been calling,
      how often and how long they talked;

    - The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of
      Directors.  Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity
      could have negative implications for institutional
      investors. Diversification into other precious metals as
      well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks appear
      to be in order;

    - The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no
      longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the
     production rate of one egg per goose per day is an example
     of the decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go,
      and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel
     will assure management that from now on every goose it
      gets will be a good one;

    - The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in
      better times.  The function is primarily decorative.
      Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be
      retrained to learn some new strokes and therefore enhance
      their outplacement;

    - As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under
      heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the
      workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider
      this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of
      the process may permit the maids to try a-mending,
      a-mentoring or a-mulching;

    - Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number.  This
      function will be phased out as these individuals grow older
      and can no longer do the steps;

    - Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill.  The high cost of Lords
      plus the expense of international air travel prompted the
      Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with
      ten out-of-work congressmen.  While leaping ability may be
      somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant because we
      expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year;

    - Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple
      case of the band getting too big.  A substitution with a
      string quartet, a cutback on new music and no uniforms will
      produce savings which will drop right down to the bottom
      line;

   We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl,
   animals and other expenses.  Though incomplete, studies
   indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is
   inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will
   be improved. Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's
   association seeking expansion to include the legal profession
   ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing") action is pending.

   Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be
   necessary in the future to stay competitive.  Should that happen,
   the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White
   Division to see if seven dwarfs is  the right number.

   Happy Holidays!

(>------<)Qtip(>------<)Qtip
Merry Christmas From
me At the Timbo Horse
(>------<)QTip(>------<)QTip

         INVESTIGATIVE REPORT:   IS THERE A SANTA CLAUS?
       -------------------------------------------------------

   As a result of an overwhelming lack of requests, and with research
   help from that renown scientific journal SPY magazine (January,1990)
   -I am pleased to present the annual scientific inquiry into Santa
Claus.

   1)  No known species of reindeer can fly.  BUT there are 300,000
   species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most
   of these are insects  and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out
   flying reindeer which only Santa  has ever seen.

   2) There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world.
   BUT since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu,
   Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15%
   of the total - 378 million according to Population Reference
   Bureau. At an average (census)  rate of 3.5 children per household,
   that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there's at least one good
   child in each.

   3)  Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the
   different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he
   travels east to west  (which seems logical).  This works out to
   822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian
   household with good children, Santa  has 1/1000th of a second to
   park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the
   stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat
   whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back
   into the sleigh and move on to the next house.  Assuming that
   each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around
   the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the
   purposes of our calculations we will accept),  we are now talking
   about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles,
   not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once
   every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc. This means that Santa's sleigh
   is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound.
   For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made  vehicle on earth,
   the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second - a
   conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.

   4) The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element.
   Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego
   set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting
   Santa, who is invariably described as overweight.  On land,
   conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds.  Even
   granting that "flying reindeer" (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES
   the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine.
   We need 214,200 reindeer.  This increases the payload - not even
   counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. Again, for
   comparison - this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth.

   5) 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous
   air resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion
   as spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere.  The lead pair of
   reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy.  Per second.
   Each. In short,  they will burst into flame almost instantaneously,
   exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms
   in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within
   4.26 thousandths of a second.  Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to
   centrifugal forces 17,500.06  times greater than gravity.  A
   250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim)  would be pinned to
   the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.

       In conclusion - If Santa ever DID deliver presents on
       Christmas Eve,  he's dead now.

(>------<)Qtip(>------<)Qtip
Merry Christmas From
me At the Timbo Horse
(>------<)QTip(>------<)QTip

               25 CHRISTMAS-TIME IDEAS TO TORTURE YOUR ROOMMATE

 1.   Claim you were a Christmas tree in your former life.  If s/he tries
      to bring one into the room, scream bloody murder and thrash on the
      floor.

 2.   Go to the mall with your roomate and sit on Santa's lap.  Refuse to
      get off.

 3.   Wear a Santa suit all the time.  Deny you're wearing it.

 4.   Sit in a corner in the fetal position rocking back and forth
      chanting, "Santa Claus is coming to town, Santa Claus is coming to
      town..."

 5.   Hang mistle-toe in the doorway.  When your roomate enters or leaves
      the room, plant a big wet one on his/her lips.

 6.   Hang a stocking with your roomates name on it.  Collect coal and
      sharp objects in it.  If s/he asks, say "you've been very naughty
      this year."

 7.   Paint your nose red and wear antlers.  Constantly complain about
how
      you never get to join in on the reindeer games.

 8.   Make conversation out of Christmas Carols.  (i.e., "You know, I saw
      mommy kissing Santa Claus underneath the mistle-toe last night.")

 9.   Wrap yourself in Christmas lights and roll around in the snow.

 10.  Sing: "All I want for Christmas is my roomate's two front teeth..."

 11.  Give your roomate the gifts from the twelve days of Christmas song.

 12.  Build a snowperson with your roomate and place a hat on its head.
      When it doesn't come to life, cry hysterically "it didn't work!"

 13.  Whip your roomate screaming "now Dasher, now Dancer, now Donner,
and
Blitzen, etc."

 14.  Tear down all your roomate's Christmas decorations yelling "Bah
      Humbug!"

 15.  Wake up every morning screaming "Ghost of Christmas Future, please
      have mercy on my soul!"  (The Lords Of Darkness apply here too...)

 16.  Tell your roomate you're moving out.  Santa's buying you a house on
      34th Street.

 17.  Pin a pointsetta to your lapel.

 18.  Make anatomically correct gingerbread people and eat the best parts
      first.

 19.  Put on a fake white beard and insist that all your roomate's
friends
      "give it a yank."

 20.  Ring jingle bells maniacally saying "every time a bell rings an
      angel gets his/her wings."

 21.  Stand in front of the mirror reciting "How the Grinch Stole
Christmas"
      over and over in your underwear.

 22.  Smoke mistle-toe.  Do what comes naturally.

 23.  Watch your roomate when s/he is sleeping.  When s/he wakes up sing,
      "he sees you when you're sleeping..."

 24.  Steal a life size nativity scene and display it in your room.  When
      your roommate asks, tell him/her "I had to let them stay here,
      there's no room at the inn."

 25.  When your roomate goes to the bathroom, rearrange his/her
posessions.
      Tell him/her that Santa's elves must have done it.(>------<)Qtip(>------<)Qtip
Merry Christmas From
me At the Timbo Horse
(>------<)QTip(>------<)QTip

 Top 10 Rejected Holiday Messages For The U.S.S. Enterprise-D
  -----------------------------------------------------
   10 Geordi's voice: "If we can superheat the reaction chamber,
       redirect the matter stream at a .003 phase offset, then
      inject the cool antimatter at at -.003 offset, we just might
       be able to have a Merry Christmas"
   9  Riker's Voice: "Merrrry Christmas!" In that same inclection
      he uses when he says "Rrrrrrred Alert!"
   8  "Shut up Wesley!"
   7  Dr Crusher: "Oooh, we're under the mistletoe Jean-Luc"
   6  Data: "I believe the correct salutation is, 'Happy Holidays' sir"
   5  Troi: "I sense Chocolate Santas"
   4  Worf: "I protest, I do NOT want to have a Happy Holidays!"
   3  Computer voice: "Please speicify parameters for Happy Holidays"
   2  Data "Spot, that is not an appropriate use of a Chirstmas tree"
   1  "You actually opened up this package? There goes its value
 

  -----------------------------------------------------
           Christmas Carols
   <Star Trek : The Next Generation Style>
  -----------------------------------------------------

   FROM JEAN-LUC PICARD (to the tune of "Let It Snow"):

   Oh, the vacuum outside is endless,
   Unforgiving, cold, and friendless,
   But still we must boldly go--
   Make it so, make it so, make it so!
 

   FROM WILLIAM RIKER (to the tune of "Deck the Halls"):

   Here's a vexing Christmas riddle:
   (Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la, la la)
   Why must I play second fiddle?
   (Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la, la la)
   How can I impress Deanna
   (Fa-la-la, la-la-la, la la la)
   When I'm number two banana?
   (Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la, la la)
 

   FROM WESLEY CRUSHER, Starfleet Cadet
  (to the tune of "God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen"):

   I'm at Starfleet Academy,
   And I'd just like to say
   I miss the opportunity
   To weekly save the day--
   To make things worse, I have to be
   In some dumb Christmas play!
   Yes, I'm bright, though I'm just a teenaged boy,
   Only a boy,
   And the Enterprise was my most favourite toy!
 

   FROM DATA:
  (to the tune of "Jingle Bells")

   Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
   Jingle all the way!
   Oh, what fun it is to ride
   In a one-horse open sleigh--
   or so I am reliably informed; lacking a subjective
   and intuitively perceived referent for the term "fun,"
   I am able only to report the phenomenon as experienced
   by others, whose individual perceptions somewhat colour the--
   yes, sir.
 

   WORF E-MAILED two different greetings.
   The first appears to be to the tune of "White Christmas":

   I'm dreaming of a dead Pakled,
   Just like the one in Rec Deck Eight.
   They all think they've hidden,
   But this one didn't,
   And I'm using him as bait.
   I'm dreaming of a dead Pakled--
   Their mental skills are rather lame.
   May your foes die sonless, in shame--
   And I hope you're wishing me the same!

   The second is most easily sung to the tune of "The Christmas Song"
   ("Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire"):

    Phasers flashing in the depths of space,
    Ripping up an airtight hull;
   Signs of fear on your enemy's face,
   And life-support signs reading null!
   Ev'rybody knows a Romulan's a spineless foe
   Who lacks the Klingon will to fight!
   Phaser beams set his torso aglow--
   He'll find it hard to breathe tonight!
   He knows that Worf is on his way!
   And soon he'll be the object of the verb "to slay"!
   And ev'ry slinking Rom and Pakled spy
   Will soon become the subject of the verb "to die"!
   And so I'm offering this simple threat
   To Roms, and all Ferengi, too:
   You'll be as dead as a life-form can get--
   Merry Christmas to you!

(>------<)Qtip(>------<)Qtip
Merry Christmas From
me At the Timbo Horse
(>------<)QTip(>------<)QTip

15 Ways To Annoy Dear Ole St. Nick

1. Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note
explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.

2. While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a
speeding ticket.

3. Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for the
holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.

4. While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact
replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to
fly.

5. Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then
say, "This neighborhood ain't big enough for the both of us."

6. Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs
that say "We hate Christmas," and "Go away Santa."

7. Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus
called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of
bread on his way home.

8. While he's in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon
as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn't have missed
that last payment, and take off.

9. Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out, with a
note that says, "For The Tooth Fairy".

10. Take everything out of your house as if it's just been robbed.
When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, "Well,
well. They always return to the scene of the crime."

11. Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes
and corrections.

12. Leave Santa a note, explaining that you've moved. Include a map
with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house.

13. Leave out a Santa suit, with a dry-cleaning bill.

14. Paint "hoof-prints" all over your face and clothes. While he's
in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like
you've been "trampled." Threaten to sue.

15. Instead of ornaments, decorate your tree with Easter eggs.

(>------<)Qtip(>------<)Qtip
Merry Christmas From
me At the Timbo Horse
(>------<)QTip(>------<)QTip

**What was so good about he neurotic doll the girl was given for
Christmas? -
It was wound up already.

**What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? -
Claustrophobic.

**What do you do if Santa gets stuck in your chimney? - Pour Santa flush
on
him.

**What do snowmen eat for breakfast? - Snowflakes.

**Why does Santa have 3 gardens? - So he can ho-ho-ho.

**Why was Santa's little helper depressed? - Because he had low elf
esteem.

**What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? - Frostbite.

**What do you get when you cross an archer with a gift-wrapper? - Ribbon
hood.

**What's the most popular wine at Christmas? - "I don't like sprouts" !

(>------<)Qtip(>------<)Qtip
Merry Christmas From
me At the Timbo Horse
(>------<)QTip(>------<)QTip

TEN CHANGES ABOUT NEW YORKERS DURING THE CHRISTMAS SEASON!

10. People say, "Merry Christmas!" Before giving you the finger.
 9. Instead of yellow tape, cops close off murder scenes with festive
    holly.
 8. People pray even when they're not in the back seat of a cab.
 7. If you dial 911 you just hear a recording of Deck the Halls.
 6. Slight increase in number of fat bearded guys who want you to sit on
    their lap.
 5. Gullible tourists purchase Rockefeller Center Christmas tree for
    $100.
 4. Vendors cut price of hot dogs left over from last Christmas.
 3. Police investigate the season's first sleigh-jacking.
 2. Strangers greet each other with "I got your Yule log right here."
 1. Two words: Crack nog.

(>------<)Qtip(>------<)Qtip
Merry Christmas From
me At the Timbo Horse
(>------<)QTip(>------<)QTip

A GUIDE FOR GIVING THE IDEAL GIFT

For a Man:  Something that can be assembled, fixed, eaten, or played
with.
For a Child:  Something that can be broken, eaten, or played with.
For a Woman:  Something that can be related to.
For a Teacher:  Something with class.
For a Dog:  Something that can be eaten, chewed, or chased.
For a Dentist:  Something that can be filled, drilled, or pulled.
For a Postal Worker:  Something that can be licked, or stamped.

(>------<)Qtip(>------<)Qtip
Merry Christmas From
me At the Timbo Horse
(>------<)QTip(>------<)QTip

Experts are uncertain what possible effect the suit or possible
pending charges might have on Mr. Claus' Christmas travels this year.
THINGS TO GET YOUR ONE-YEAR-OLD NEPHEW THIS CHRISTMAS...

   o Arthritic, easy-to-open Tylenol bottles.
   o Plastic bags.
   o Matches.
   o Anything that comes with lots of small, plastic objects.
   o Drain-O.
   o Fireworks.
   o One-way ticket to Rio.
   o Foster parents.

(>------<)Qtip(>------<)Qtip
Merry Christmas From
me At the Timbo Horse
(>------<)QTip(>------<)QTip

TOP 15 ELF PICKUP LINES:

15- "I'm down here!"
14- "Just because I have bells on my shoes doesn't mean I'm a sissy"
13- "I was once a lawn ornament for Jon Bon Jovi."
12- "No, no, I don't bake cookies.  You're thinking of those dorks at
Keebler"
11- You'd look great in a Raggedy Ann wig"
10- "I can eat my weight in cocktail wieners"
9- "I taught Santa everything he knows."
8- "I'm a magical being.  Take off your bra."
7- "I'm free on Christmas Eve."
6- "Even Santa doesn't make candy as sweet as you."
5- "I've got the keys to the sleigh tonight."
4- "You know what they say about guys with big ears."
3- "I get a thimbleful of tequila in me and I turn into a wild man."
2- "I have certain needs that can't be satisfied by working on toys."
1- "I can get you off the naughty list."

(>------<)Qtip(>------<)Qtip
Merry Christmas From
me At the Timbo Horse
(>------<)QTip(>------<)QTip
 

ACLU ANNOUNCES LAWSUIT AGAINST SANTA CLAUS
by David Bibb

CHICAGO -- The American Civil Liberties Union announced today that it
was bringing a lawsuit against Santa Claus for violations of the civil
rights of children.  An ACLU spokesman, Mr. E. Scrooge stated that,
"Mr. Claus has been violating children's right to privacy and has been
putting that information in a vast database.  The information is then
used by the law enforcement arm of Mr. Claus organization to determine
which children are considered naughty or nice.  It is obvious Mr.
Clause has violated the children's rights, as we have alleged in our
suit, because of the memos and other company information we have
obtained.  In addition, we believe Mr. Claus has been engaging in mind
control experiments designed to prevent the free expression of
beliefs."

Among the documents presented to the courts today was a memo in which
reads, in part:

You better watch out.
You better not cry.
You better not pout.
I'm telling you why.
Santa Claus is coming to town.

He sees you when you are sleeping
He knows when you're awake,
He knows when you've been bad or good
So be good for goodness' sake.

Mr. Scrooge claimed the document, was obtained from one of workers in
the distribution department of Mr. Claus' organization, "...clearly
shows a concerted attempt to restrict the rights of children to free
expression and free thought.  In addition, there are concerns about
the security of the information.  What would be the result of such a
database being made available to other law enforcement agencies around
the world?"

Lawyers at the Justice also confirmed today that they were
investigating the possibility that Mr. Claus was at the core of a vast
conspiracy against children.  Anonymous sources from inside the
Justice Department stated that, "We believe a large number of parent,
ministers and teachers are involved in this business and we expect
several of them will testify for the State in return for a lighter
sentence."  In addition, the same sources indicated a parallel
investigation by the Department and the FBI on possible charges of
smuggling on the part of Mr. Claus, "our records do not show Mr.
Claus, or any one else paying any import duties or taxes on any items
he has delivered.  Since Mr. Claus has representatives in all of the
States of the Union we believe he should have to pay state and local
taxes on all of the goods he delivers."

Lawyers for Mr. Claus stated, "The charges of the ACLU are absurd.
Mr. Claus is a well known and highly respected figure.  His supporters
are from around the world and his message of love and respect can, in
no way, be taken as a form of "mind control" or a violation of the
civil rights of children."

The lawsuit is complicated by the fact that Mr. Claus is not a
resident of the United States or any country which the United States
currently has an extradition treaty.  It is unknown where Mr. Claus is
at the moment, but it is believed he is hiding out at his north pole
estate.

In a brief statement, read by his lawyer, Mr. Claus said, "I find the
charges of the ACLU absurd and am confident they will be rejected by
the courts.  As for any criminal charges, I believe the Justice
Department will discover they have no basis."

(>------<)Qtip(>------<)Qtip
Merry Christmas From
me At the Timbo Horse
(>------<)QTip(>------<)QTip

This Christmas it may be difficult to find just the right present for
that special friend of yours.  In our modest way, we always try to be
helpful... therefore, here are our suggestions from our Catalog for that
really unusual gift for that really unusual person:

AUTOGRAPHED KEN STARR SUBPOENA:  Let your friends know you are a Friend
of Bill's.  This custom framed subpoena will bear your name, and be
signed by Special Prosecutor Ken Starr.  We slipped a few thousand
subpoenas in front of him one day, so quantities are limited.  Price:
$950.00

SOVIET MIG 21:  The government of Ukraine has just released ten MIG 21st
for export to the West in order to raise badly needed foreign currency.
Be the first executive on your block to own this Soviet-era war plane.
Price:  $500,000.  (Note:  Purchasers must make their own delivery
arrangements.)

MONICA'S WARDROBE:  Every dress Monica Lewinsky wore while at the White
House is now for sale for the discriminating collector of political
memorabilia.  Price:  $5,000 each.  Comes complete with a Certificate of
Authenticity signed by Monica.  Sorry, no semen-stained articles are
available.

ROYAL WRECKAGE:  We have parts from the Mercedes Benz that was carrying
Princess Di when she was killed in Paris.  Price:  $15 per ounce.

BILL GATES EMAIL:  The Microsoft anti-trust litigation has produced a
bounty crop of email sent by Bill Gates to various of his competitors.
Price:  Death Threats -- $100.00, Threats To Destroy A Business --
$50.00.

NEWT GINGRICH CONTRACTS WITH AMERICA:  Former House Speaker Newt
Gingrich has offered 1,000 unused Contracts With America for sale.
Price:  $25.00 each.  Payments will be tax deductible contributions to
the GOP 2000 Fund.

ONE HOUR AS MICKEY MOUSE:  For a mere $1,000 you can wear the Mickey
Mouse costume for one hour at DisneyLand or DisneyWorld, and amuse
little children.  Sorry, but 9 am to 10 am is reserved for Michael
Eisner.

GENERAL DELIVERY DIPLOMA:  Still free at THE GENERAL DELIVERY UNIVERSITY

(>------<)Qtip(>------<)Qtip
Merry Christmas From
me At the Timbo Horse
(>------<)QTip(>------<)QTip

No one can fracture a Christmas carol better than a kid.
Sing along with these new takes on old favorites:

Deck the Halls with Buddy Holly

We three kings of porridge and tar

On the first day of Christmas my tulip gave to me

Later on we'll perspire, as we dream by the fire.

He's makin a list, chicken and rice.

Noel. Noel, Barney's the king of Israel.

With the jelly toast proclaim

Olive, the other reindeer.

Frosty the Snowman is a ferret elf, I say

Sleep in heavenly peas

In the meadow we can build a snowman,
Then pretend that he is sparse and brown

You'll go down in listerine

Oh, what fun it is to ride with one horse, soap and hay

O come, froggy faithful

You'll tell Carol, "Be a skunk, I require"

(>------<)Qtip(>------<)Qtip
Merry Christmas From
me At the Timbo Horse
(>------<)QTip(>------<)QTip
 

You Know You're Gonner Annoy Your Roommate This Christmas when:

1. Claim you were a Christmas tree in your former life. If s/he tries to
bring one into the room, scream bloody murder and thrash on the floor.
2.Go to the mall with your roommate and sit on Santa's lap. Refuse to get
off.
3. Wear a Santa suit all the time. Deny you're wearing it.
4. Sit in a corner in the fetal position rocking back and forth chanting,
"Santa Claus is coming to town, Santa Claus is coming to town..."
5. Hang mistle-toe in the doorway. When your roommate enters or leaves
the room, plant a wet one on his/her lips.
6.objects in it. If s/he asks, say "you've been very naughty this year."
7. Paint your nose red and wear antlers. Constantly complain about how
you never get to join in on the reindeer games.
8. Make conversation out of Christmas Carols. (I.E. "You know, I saw
mommy kissing Santa Claus underneath the mistle-toe last night.")
9. Wrap yourself in Christmas lights and roll around in the snow.
10. Sing: "All I want for Christmas is my roommate's two front teeth..."
11. Give your roommate the gifts from the twelve days of Christmas song.
12. Build a snowperson with your roommate and place a hat on its head.
When it doesn't come to life, cry hysterically "it didn't work!"
13. Whip your roommate screaming "now Dasher, now Dancer, now Donner, and
Blitzen, etc."
14. Tear down all your roommate's Christmas decorations yelling "Bah
Humbug!"
15. Wake up every morning screaming "Ghost of Christmas Future, please
have mercy on my soul!"
16. Tell your roommate you're moving out. Santa's buying you a house on
34th Street.
17. Steal a life size nativity scene and display it in your room. When
your roommate asks, tell him/her "I had to let them stay here, there's no room at the inn."
18. Make anatomically correct gingerbread people and eat the best parts
first.
19. Put on a fake white beard and insist that all your roommate's friends
"give it a yank."
20. Ring jingle bells maniacally saying "every time a bell rings an angel
gets his wings."