LITTLE KNOWN CONSPIRACIES
We have uncovered more conspiracies since our last
look at "Little Known Conspiracies" in our August issue. Some were e-mailed
to us, others were uncovered by Comedyzine's investigative reporters. For
your skepticism we present Little Known Conspiracies.
THE DEAD PRESIDENT JOHN F KENNEDY
The Government
killed John F. Kennedy. Sixteen years after the Roswell incident, JFK wanted
us to go to the moon. Knowing that their secret could very easily be revealed
if humans went to space. They assassinated him, hoping to destroy the dream
of space travel. However when the NASA officials decided to launch humans
up, the government did not interrupt the process, forfear of being too
suspicious.
USA MEN'S HOCKEY TEAM SUBLIMINAL DEFEAT
The USA
men's ice hockey team loss was a concerted effort by the National Hockey
League's Canadian players. Month's before the Nagano games the American
players were subliminally given subversive ideas by their Canadian NHL
team members. Each Canadian player was given an American Olympic team member
on their respective NHL team to sublinimally
put ideas in their head. Canadian team Captain
Eric Lindros was given the assignment to subliminally alter Flyer teammate
John Leclair's mind. During Flyer practices Lindros would quietly say to
Leclair, "Can't play on large ice surface. Must party" He repeated this
statement thousands of times. Leclair never heard him but his subconscious
registered the thought. Wayne Gretzky did the same to his Ranger
teammates Mike Ritcher, Brian Leetch and Pat Lafontaine. The subliminal
thought caused the American Olympic team to play poorly. What the Canadian
players didn't expect was the subliminal suggestion would also effect their
play, causing them to leave without a medal. If it was not for this Canadian
subversive plan the USA Men's Ice Hockey team would have easily won the
gold medal just like they claimed before the tournament.
ALIEN SEX ABDUCTIONS
My name
is Arthur Q. Piddol, President of UFOSEX, the Center for the Study of Alien
Sexual Encounters. I know that you want to reveal the Truth to your zine
readers - and the truth is that over 90% of all space ship landings are
sexual in nature. I have tons of declassified information, including Shocking,
Lurid, and Titillating testimony of unsolicited extraterrestrial sex. I
would be happy to send you a few of our many summary briefs. I am the world's
first and foremost authority on alien sexual encounters, cited in Marquis'
"Who's Who in the Entire Universe". I am a certified UFO sexologist (Ph.4xD).
I am also Chairman of President Clinton's task force on unsubstantiated
sexual encounters. With your help, we can tell the world the truth. I look
forward to hearing from you. E-mailed to Comedyzine by Arthur Query
Piddol, President -
UFOSEX LIFE ON MARS: THE NASA CONSPIRACY
Afraid
of international panic, NASA and the American government are withholding
pictures that show life on Mars. We have the picture that proves life on
Mars has recently existed. It shows a fossilized skeleton of a small humanoid
creature near the Sojourner space buggy. The United States government refuses
to acknowledge the skeleton.
THE BILL GATES CONSPIRACY
A group
of former Apple employees believe Bill Gates stole Apple ideas. The conspiracy
is Bill Gates came from our future with stolen Apple technology through
a time machine. He then started Microsoft with United States government
help. Some birth records show a miscarriage for the child that is now known
as Bill Gates. Our reporter mysteriously disappeared after submitting his
report for this piece.
THE CLINTON CONSPIRACY
The President
of the United States is not what he appears to be. Well we all know that,
but what you didn't know was that he is not human, or alien. He is owned
and operated by a joint venture of the United States military and the Disney
Corporation. Made by Disney's Robotic Division in Disney World. Bill Clinton
is the finest in robotic technology. He appears almost identical to a human
and can make most everyday decisions, such as being able to communicate
with others on his own. His evasion of the draft was made up as a cover
by the military. So there would be an appearance of a military dislike
for the President. His
foreign affairs decisions are are made by the
Joint Chief of Staff and all his domestic programs are edicts by the Disney
Corporation's Michael Eisner. Bill Clinton's womanizing was done to make
him seem more human. The same can be said for the choice of Al Gore as
his Vice-President. The stiff V.P. makes Clinton look even more human.
Some conservatives are aware of this robotic President, but won't go public
with the facts, because they are so bizarre. They try to bring him down
with other means.The Conservatives are not happy with the military/Disney
control of the government.
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