A new priest at his first mass was so nervous
he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the
pulpit, I put a glass of
vodka next to the water glass. If I start to
get nervious I take a sip." So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's
advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.
He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass he
found the following note on his door:
1.Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2.There are 10 commandments, not
12.
3.There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4.Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5.Jacob wagered his donkey, he did
not bet his ass.
6.We do not refer to Jesus Christ
as the late J.C.
7.The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost
are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and Spook.
8.David slew Goliath, he did not
kick the shit out of him.
9.When David was hit by a rock and
knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10.We do not refer to the cross as the
Big T!
11.When Jesus broke the bread at the Last
Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say,
"Eat me."
12.The Virgin Mary is not referred to
as the, "Mary with the Cherry".
13.The recommended grace before a meal
is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God"
14.Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling
contest at St. Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
15.Don't refer to Jesus and the 12 disciples
J.C. and the boys.